Part 20



OFFICIAL SCRIPT

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 PART 20: 

Cut to Deep Voice Guy and Rosie who are trying to find their way onto the BiTC headquarters by getting a high vantage point atop the Stratosphere. There’s a flash over Deep Voice Guy’s head.

DEEP VOICE GUY: My BiTC Headquarters senses are tingling!

The aforementioned headquarters rises up from the wreckage of what was once Las Vegas in a getaway attempt. It fires off a few warning shots out of sheer celebration. A distant British laugh can be heard. One of the shots strikes the pirate ship outside of Treasure Island. On board said ship are the pirates from McGregor’s earlier escapade.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Aaaarrrghh! Hard to starboard, laddies!! Arm the battlements!

They’re in the tiny lake outside of Treasure Island and they can’t move.

1ST MATE PIRATE: Ack! The ship! It be anchored to the sea bottom! And the cannons!! They’re nothing but plastic!

Somber music plays as the pirate captain slowly removes his giant pirate hat.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Then it’s down to the locker we go, mateys.

They sink down towards their doom. However, since that tiny lake outside of Treasure Island is like 15 feet deep, the ship barely sinks at all. It goes down, and then just stops after a few feet. The crew look around, confused, but then jubilation occurs.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: Huzzah!

The pirates all draw their swords and point them to the sky in victory.

Another stray shot from the BiTC Headquarters strikes the Mega Wheel, setting the edges ablaze. McGregor and Huge Black Guy are still lumberjack running down the middle, trying to find a way to stop the wheel/get down.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Laawd, it’s hot in hee-ah!

Cut back to Deep Voice Guy and Rosie, watching the Headquarters fly away.

DEEP VOICE GUY: That would be why my BiTC Headquarters senses were tingling! We need to get aboard our ship before those bastards cause any more damage.

ROSIE: More damage? How could they possibly cause any more damage?

The BiTC HQ shoots a rocket at the base of the Vegas Eiffel Tower, launching it into the air. Cut back to the pirates, celebrating on their tilted ship with giant kegs of mead and rum, huzzah-ing all around. The Eiffel Tower crashes into them from above, creating a massive fireball.

ROSIE: Oh.

DEEP VOICE GUY: Come, it’s time to be reckless.

ROSIE: What?

DEEP VOICE GUY: Let’s ride!!

He pulls her into the Stratosphere roller coaster and they take off.

DEEP VOICE GUY: (deep monotone voice, with arms raised in air) wheeeee

ROSIE: This is no time for fun and games!

DEEP VOICE GUY: The only fun WE’LL be having…… is in hell!

ROSIE: That doesn’t make any sense!

Deep Voice Guy pulls out a block of C4 with a detonator from his Bag o’ Plot Relevance and tosses it by the loop-de-loop.

ROSIE: What the fu-

Deep Voice Guy detonates the C4, blowing up a section of track and creating a ramp. They zoom off the ramp, flying over a thousand feet in the air on their flying roller coaster with a fire trail on the back. They fly towards the BiTC Headquarters in the distance.

DEEP VOICE GUY: I REGRET NOTHING!

ROSIE: I REGRET EVERYTHING THAT’S HAPPENED SINCE I MET YOU PEOPLE!

DEEP VOICE GUY: I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOUR SENTIMENTS!

They jump off the roller coaster just in time to land onto the top portion of the Headquarters (the domed part).

Cut to the control bridge of the HQ.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Did we hit something?!

Cut back to Deep Voice Guy and Rosie sliding down the dome.

ROSIE: How do we get inside?!

DEEP VOICE GUY: There’s a secret entrance!....It’s called – ripping this panel off!

He rips this panel off. They both enter through the opening and make it inside, in some sort of maintenance hallway with piping all around.

DEEP VOICE GUY: We’re in some sort of maintenance hallway, given that there’s all this piping all round.

Cut back to Crazy British Guy and co.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Did we hit a bug, or some sort of stupid bird (Andybird looks pissed)? Maybe it was some sort of small flying aircraft? You, Expendable Henchman #4!

EXPENDABLE HENCHMAN #4: That’s my name.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Find out what that was.

EXPENDABLE HENCHMAN #4: I’d really rather not.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: You do whatever I say, for I am you God now.

Pushes mind control button.

EXPENDABLE HENCHMAN #4: (monotone) As you command, sire.

The wall opens up and he recklessly jumps out of the opening. He then harrowingly and treacherously climbs up to the windshield, looking for whatever hit the dome. Crazy British Guy sees a small bug stain on the windshield.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Oh, there it is!

He turns on the windshield wipers, cleaning the spot, but knocking the henchman off and tumbling to his demise.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Solved that problem! Ah, I love being evil.

EXPENDABLE HENCHMAN #1: Wait, did you just say “evil”?

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: No… I said “I love being…not evil”

Cut to Manfred and Peter motorcycling to the Luxor with Reasonable Guy in tow, with burlap sack over his head. Don’t think too hard about 3 guys riding 1 motorcycle together. They’re just friends. At least we hope so.

Payne’s Osprey lowers and hovers above the Luxor. He peers over the edge, looking down upon the heroes.

PAYNE: (to soldiers in Osprey) Bring him out here.

A soldier brings forth Badass, with a burlap sack over his head.

PAYNE: (shouting to Manfred) Now show me yours.

Manfred, Peter and Reasonable Guy ride up the side of the Luxor to make the drop off. At the top, Manfred slows down and Peter throws Reasonable Guy up to Payne in the Osprey.

MANFRED: Now give us Badass, Payne.

PAYNE: Hah, if you thought that I would uphold my end of the bargain, you got another thing coming.

He pulls off the hood…………………revealing that it’s not actually Reasonable Guy there; it’s Thongledore!

THONGLEDORE: It’s beardin’ time!

His beard lurches toward Payne’s face, and it makes a hissing sound. An engine roars, and German Guy and the real Reasonable Guy are in the jeep driving up the other side of the Luxor. Reasonable Guy leaps out of the jeep, lunges forward through the openings in the Osprey, and tackles Badass through to the other side. Payne struggles to pull the beard off, and it leaves his face scarred. The jeep crashes into the tail end of the Osprey, causing it to crash and tumble down the side of the Luxor. German Guy remains in the jeep as it flips down, laughing the whole time as this happens. Manfred does an epic slide on his motorcycle, and as the Osprey is tumbling down, the opening falls around him and Peter. Payne yells in anguish and starts wailing on Manfred. Peter manages to knock him free, and Payne slides farther down. Payne pulls out his Glock and takes a few shots and Manfred. Manfred manages to avoid, mainly due to all of the carnage happening around, shards of glass, broken metal, motorcycle, etc. Thongledore, Reasonable Guy, Peter, and Badass are tumbling down on the other side of the Osprey from Manfred and Payne. German Guy and his jeep roll down to the bottom, somehow miraculously landing right side up. An elevator *ding* is heard, and Hippie Guy comes walking out of the front doors of the Luxor, with a souvenir bag and an “I Heart Vegas” T-shirt on. He witnesses the destruction.

HIPPIE GUY: Whoa, far out maaan.

GERMAN GUY: Get in the damn jeep!

Thongledore, Reasonable Guy, Peter, and Badass roll to the bottom, and clumsily get into the jeep. Hippie Guy lazily enters the jeep as the wreckage lands beside him. He takes a swig out of the soda in his hand as the explosions surround him.

Cut back to Manfred sliding down after Payne.

MANFRED: (thinking) How do I get out of this situation…?

SHAMAN: (voice over) The Artifact that you now hold possesses more power than you could ever possibly imagine! (voice gets less mystified) Specifically when you’re sliding down the Luxor. Like right now. Pull out the artifact, you dumb ape.

MANFRED: Good idea shaman.

SHAMAN: (voice over) You may want to see a psychiatrist about these voices you’re hearing by the way. I hear it’s pretty bad.

Manfred pulls out the Artifact (the golden javelina foot) which is now shining a brilliant gold light. Manfred slams it into the window, and it carves out a circle. Manfred jumps onto this shard of glass and pulls out his trusty harpoon gun. He aims it toward Payne, who’s nearly at the bottom.

Payne and motorcycle that Manfred rode in on both fall to the bottom, and Payne gets on the motorcycle in a getaway attempt, his plans dashed. Manfred fires the harpoon gun, and it latches onto the back of Payne’s motorcycle.

PAYNE: Ah, you fool!

Manfred begins surfing down the street in his window-board. (If you’re wondering why the window doesn’t shatter: #1. The artifact has magic powers and #2. It’s The Scarying).

MANFRED: You can’t escape, Payne! I’ve got a boner for justice, and it’s got your name on it!

PAYNE: Gah!

Payne pulls out a machete, and while holding on to the handlebars with just 1 hand, attempts to cut off the harpoon attached to the back.

PAYNE: I will escape from you!

MANFRED: But what about them?

Suddenly, the jeep comes peeling around the corner. It goes off yet another ramp, of course, and lands beside Manfred. Since there are 6 people in there, it’s quite crowded. They’re blaring “Firework” on the stereo and having a great time. At the same time, the Flaming Mega Wheel comes crashing down alongside the jeep with McGregor and Huge Black Guy atop. By this time, McGregor really is getting tired of all the constant running.

MANFRED: Glad to see you could make it!

Payne looks angry, but manages to cut the harpoon. Just as he does, a large crater (caused from the BiTC HQ rampage from earlier) looms in front of him. Manfred and the jeep stop in time, but Payne and the Flaming Mega Wheel fly into the crater. Payne’s not finished, however. The BiTC Headquarters rises out of the crater and hovers above The Grüp. Payne’s standing on the entrance bridge, and laughs triumphantly. Meanwhile, the Flaming Mega Wheel rolls into the crater, goes up the other side like a halfpipe, comes back down and settles in the middle, finally collapsing to the ground. The headquarters fires off more shots in its victory in The Grüp’s general direction.

BROSEPH: (on loudspeaker) Nice shot, boss. You show ‘em brah! Oh wait, that was an accident? Whoa I’m tripping out man.

BROHAM: (also on loudspeaker) Sh’yah that’s me 24/7 dude! Sup brah!!? I’ll be havin the “nice shot” later man. And by shots, I mean booze. BECAUSE I’LL BE DRUNK! WoooHOO!

The gate closes around Payne and the ship escapes. Crazy British Guy got what he came for.

MANFRED: We can’t let them escape with that much power. *sigh* (looks around) Well, at least none of US got hurt.

Moaning is heard. Camera pans over to Peter Peroxide, who is pinned under a humongous slab of rubble from is torso down. The rubble fell after it was struck by Broseph’s accidental blast a few seconds ago. Peter knows that he does not have long to live, so he makes last message count.

PETER: (weakly) Manfred… come closer…. Closer

Manfred kneels beside him.

PETER: (weakly) Manfred…. Whatever you do….. don’t have sex with Rosie….

MANFRED: Is- is that all?

Peter gurgles and dies.

Manfred puts his heads in his hands, then looks up to the heavens and screams.

As Manfred cries out his great sorrow, McGregor and Huge Black Guy (who finally has the sack off his head) crawl out of the crater.

HUGE BLACK GUY: (very loudly) Did anything while I was gone?!!

MANFRED: (somber) He’s gone. After all of our trials together. After all we’ve faced. He’s gone.

HUGE BLACK GUY: (abruptly again) So! What exactly happened while I had that bag over my head?! Man, that was crazy!

MCGREGOR: I don’t think now’s the time.

Manfred stands up, with a tear coming from his eye. Dawn begins to break.

MANFRED: His life will have not been given in vain! Those motherfuckers will pay for what they have done, and with God as my witness and Justice, my strength – Payne. Will. Die. They may have destroyed this city, they have killed thousands, but at this point, now, with the death of my best ally, my closest friend, they have crossed the line. Get ready, my friends, for the battle of your lives has just begun.

BADASS: What the hell was all that then?

MANFRED: That (puts on sunglasses)… was just an appetizer.