Part 19



OFFICIAL SCRIPT

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 PART 19: 

Manfred and Peter ride their hog through the streets.

PETER: Manny, where are we going?

MANFRED: We’re going to Justice-ville. Population, criminals.

Suddenly, a shadow looms over the duo.

MANFRED: I didn’t know it was overcast today...... especially since it’s nighttime.

Reasonable Guy plummets into their motorcycle on his parachute. They run off course and crash into an Elvis impersonator, one of the 3.7 million in Vegas.

MANFRED: The hell was that? My horrendous peripheral vision couldn’t even spot that.

REASONABLE GUY: I was being reasonable.

MANFRED: What in the name of all that is just is reasonable about crashing head on into a speeding vehicle.?!

REASONABLE GUY: Well, you recklessly destroyed your cell phone so there’s no other way to contact you…

MANFRED: Damn you Reasonable Guy and your infallible knowledge about all of the events that have transpired.

REASONABLE GUY: Enough of this witty banter. We’ve got a bit of a problem.

The Elvis impersonator stands up and joins the conservation, bizarrely.

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR: What kinda problem we talking about here, baby?

REASONABLE GUY: And who are you exactly?

ELVIS IMPERSONATOR: Name’s Melvis….the Pelvis. Iffen you catch my drift.

Melvis slicks his hair back, does a little jig, and then walks away while snapping his fingers.

REASONABLE GUY: Going back to my message of imminent doom…. Uhh… it’s highly possible that supreme power has been given to an evil force.

MANFRED: Ah

REASONABLE GUY: …and said evil force could, in fact, be commandeering our BiTC ship, therefore controlling the very fabric of space and time itself.

MANFRED: So you’re saying we have a decent chance?

REASONABLE GUY: You could say that. Or you could more accurately say that we have no chance.

MAFNRED: So you’re saying there’s a chance!

REASONABLE GUY: Do you speak English?

MANFRED: The only language I speak is the language of Justice!

LOUDSPEAKER: Here comes the Payne!!

General Payne’s Osprey weaves through the buildings to over Peter, Manfred and Reasonable Guy. Payne looks down and laughs at his foes. He grabs Sherriff Badass and dangles him by his cowboy hat over the edge. Badass holds on the brim with his hands.

PAYNE: It looks like we’re at an impasse here. How’s about you trade me your BiTC fella for this sack of meaningless, pathetic pubes?

BADASS: I’m right here!

PAYNE: (kick him) I know.

MANFRED: I will take that deal with no strings attached and no sort of trickery at all. Cause you know me, No Tricks McGee. That’s what they call me at work. Because I’m always not doing tricks. When doing trades. Of people.

PAYNE: Well, good. That’s what I expected. Meet me in 5 minutes at the Luxor; there we shall make our exchange.

PETER: Why don’t we just do it here?

Suddenly, the two Ferris wheels of death-struction mow their way through their location, tearing up buildings, pavement, cars, and at least 2 dozen Elvis Impersonators. Not Melvis, though, he’s awesome.

MELVIS: Thank you, thank you very much.

Cut to atop the Ferris wheels, where the two wheels are speeding up so fast to a degree that everyone has to sprint on them. Huge Black Guy is strapped into the underside of the ring, so he’s spinning around along with the wheel. He still cannot see what’s going on because of his hostage hood.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Yo. Why the fuck is I spinning around like some cracka-ass clown?

McGregor’s getting to point where he’s getting tired of this shit.

MCGREGOR: I’m getting tired of this shit!

His giant tree trunk legs can’t keep up and Villaintonio, with his lanky elf legs begins to laugh.

VILLAINTONIO: Can’t roll with the punch, today McGregor? Emphasis on “roll”. Because we’re “rollllllling”. On Ferris Wheels. Ha ha ha-

He trips and then falls on his face. The spinning wheel pushes him forward, and he finagles his way onto the inner side of the ring as it goes back down to ground level. Villaintonio is somersaulting down in the inner part of the ring, when Huge Black Guy catches up with him as he’s tied down. Even though he can’t see, Huge Black Guy manages to punch Villaintonio in the back of the head.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Take that, cracka!

Villaintonio has the wind knocked out of him and acts groggy. He accidently steps off the Ferris wheel and runs for a bit before falling back onto it. He inadvertently bumps into Huge Black Guy and unties him from the wheel. As they rise up, gravity gets the best of them and they fall, hitting the crossbeams on the way down. This happens about 5 times and both hostage and captor yell each time. The camera pans out to show the whole wheel and them stumbling around inside of it.

VILLAINTONIO: This is extremely painful!

PAYNE: Did somebody say Payne?!

Payne’s Osprey flies alongside and heads off toward the Luxor. Manfred and Peter follow. German Guy’s jeep also drives by; now Thongledore’s in the passenger’s seat. They are going on sick jumps listening to “Teenage Dream” and are having a blast.

THONGLEDORE: You’re my best friend, German Guy!

THONGLEDORE’S BEARD: What about me? Don’t let this mere mortal get in the way of our aspirations!

Thongledore munches on his beard.

Cutting back to Villaintonio’s Ferris wheel, he manages to swing back around to the top side of the ring, and Huge Black Guy was hanging on, so he makes it out to the outer edge as well. They both get back to the top.

MCGREGOR: What the hell was all that about?!

Just then, they slam into the corners of a tall building, and scrape by it. McGregor collides with the left side, and Villaintonio collides with the right.

Cuts to a worker inside the building, wearing a suit and holding papers, doing his work things. He’s walking through the hall, as the wall in front of him just breaks open as the Ferris wheels roll by.

FINANCICUS JOHNSON: OH MY GOD!!!!............we’re down 15% from last quarter!

He continues walking and then walks off the edge.

Back to the wheels, McGregor’s and Villantonio’s wheels wobble after their slight crash earlier. They wobble around and then slam into each other, creating a Mega Wheel.

NARRATOR: (deep singing voice): Mega Wheel!

BACKUP SINGERS: (voice over, high pitched): Mega Wheel!

OTHER VOICE: (deep, trembling, bass): Mega Wheel!

McGregor and Villaintonio have a fistfight on this Mega Wheel. After an intense battle, McGregor picks up Villaintonio.

VILLAINTONIO: Wait, let’s be rational men here.

McGregor lets loose a primal scream and throws him out in front of the Mega Wheel, running him over.

MCGREGOR: Wheel wheel wheel (well well well), what have we got here? ……..wait wait. I got another one.. uh, r-rock and roll…… yeah that’ll do.

HUGE BLACK GUY: I really wish I could see right now!!

MCGREGOR: Trust me, it’s probably better that you can’t. Just keep running.

They continue to run atop the Mega Wheel.