The Scarying 2 script

“Did I hear ‘sequel’?.....money?!.....OK!”

'OFFICIAL SCRIPT'

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 INTRO: 

Foggy, dream like. Monster is destroying things, like in the end of The Scarying. Return to the final scene with Dongledore tied. Dongledore wakes up, yells. Rips off ropes, does a back flip, uses them as lasso, ties up monster.

DONGLEDORE: Looks like you’re all tied up.

MONSTER: (Confused grunt)

Rope disintegrates. Improv fistfight, not very exciting. Dongledore gets thrown through garage door. Reveal that they’re on a huge cliff, storms, fog, epic. Fighting along narrow cliff edge. Monster corners Dongledore on edge of the cliff. Dongledore pulls out huge sword, and acts all heroic, but the Monster zaps it off cliff like it was nothing. Monster summons huge lightning storm, Dongledore realizes that he’s no match. Looks over the edge.

DONGLEDORE: Let’s hope this works.

Dongledore swan dives off the edge and falls headfirst into the fog. Zoom in on his face.

DONGLEDORE: Shit.

He disappears into the fog.

-TITLE-

 PART 1: 

5 shadowy robed figures sitting in a room looking at a tv. White noise on the tv. Central figure sends message to team. The team consists of: Deep Voice Guy, Huge Black Guy, Hippie Guy, German Guy, and Reasonable Guy.

DEEP VOICE GUY: There’s a menace afoot. We must recruit the most powerful team in the history of this world. We need… the best.

TV turns on. Cut to Wild West town. Sherriff Badass walking the streets, gun in hand. He looks like a typical western cowboy, but in modern times.

SHERRIFF BADASS: This town ain’t big enough fer the two of us.

Shows his name on the screen. Camera pans, shows he’s talking to a 6 year old.

KID: Shut up

BADASS: Aaah sorry.

He cowers in fear. It turns out that Sheriff "Badass" is actually a pansy.

Cut to a warzone. Voice over from deep voice guy.

DEEP VOICE GUY: We need someone with experience in the field of battle.

Cuts to McGregor flying a jet. McGregor is a huge war-torn muscular giant with sunglasses and a bandolier. He looks like a true badass. There’s an attack helicopter chasing him, shoots his wing. McGregor grunts, punches hole through windshield, jumps out, surfs the jet, looks back. He does a backflip, slows down. Jumps through the blades of the helicopter in super slow-mo, lands in cockpit. He punches the pilot out and takes control. McGregor pulls out a bazooka from his back and shoots down his jet before it hits the orphanage/ (baby) endangered animal zoo. Helicopter is spinning out of control, and falls to the ground and hits a tank. Just before it crashes, he jumps out, explosion while walking away dramatically. Enemy soldiers that survived the tank explosion run away from McGregor. He rips off a helicopter blade and bends it to make a boomerang. He throws it and kills two of them. The last enemy turns to him and begs for mercy.

MCGREGOR: Duck

The boomerang comes back and rips the guy in half. Says McGregor’s name. Boomerang hits screen. Cut to a junkyard.

DEEP VOICE GUY: We need someone who knows their way around a machine

HUGE BLACK GUY: YYYYYYYYYYyYeeeeeeeeh

DEEP VOICE GUY: Not like that.

Techy is working on amazing hot rod. He looks like a typical young hipster scientist type who works with technology. Nonamicus Johnson approaches Techy.

NONAMICUS JOHNSON: Woah man, that’s a pretty awesome ride you got there.

RUFUS “TECHY” TECKSTEIN: Oh this junk, this ain’t mine, that’s mine.

Points to giant mech walking in. The robot has a huge shoulder-mounted weapon scene and launches mini Jericho missile at Nonamicus. All that remains is a black scorch mark.

TECHY: Dammit, you know you’re not supposed to kill civilians.

The robot walks away sad and dejected, accidently crushing cars.

TECHY: What the f-

Shows Techy’s name

TECHY:-ah I don’t cuss.

Cut back to the robed figures.

DEEP VOICE GUY: We need some sort of scientist, too.

Long pause.

EVERYONE: pPPpPTPPpPTtttt (aka that laugh where you scoff loudly)

REASONABLE GUY: Umm, shouldn’t we be sending them the best scienti

He is shot.

DEEP VOICE GUY: No, we will send….. him

Cut to room. You can see someone from behind. Able to see back of lab coat, beard and hat from the back. Thongledore turns around. Thongledore looks like The Situation from Jersey Shore except in the Dongledore get-up from The Scarying (lab coat, sunglasses, hat). He is also wearing no pants, but a pink banana hammock.

THONGLEDORE: ‘ey! Whats youse doin in my lab!?

Show Thongledore’s name. Camera turns, shows he’s talking to a mirror. Rubs abs creepily.

 PART 2: 

Badass walks out of saloon, gets into car, turns key, drives for a little bit, turns to the right. Deep Voice Guy is sitting there.

BADASS: AAAaAaaahgh

DEEP VOICE GUY: Sherriff Badass…

BADASS: yyeeees?

DEEP VOICE GUY: We’re putting together a team. We’ve already recruited some strong members.

Flashback to recruiting McGregor, Techy, and Thongledore (Thongledore is trying to do one of the robe guys, the other one holds him back)

DEEP VOICE GUY: but we need a leader. Your name precedes you. We know you’re the best choice.

BADASS: wwwwhhhaaaa? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just made a poopy.

DEEP VOICE GUY: I’m going to forget you said that…. Will you join?

BADASS: wwwhhhooo are you?

DEEP VOICE GUY: The icy dark black hand of death

BADASS: Oh ok.

DEEP VOICE GUY: Excellent.

Deep Voice Guy has evil laughter, Badass joins in. DVG bags Badass and beats him with a billy club.

Badass POV. Eyes open up, everything’s blurry. Him, McGregor, Techy, and Thongledore are at a large table. Everything is perfectly white. Everyone is just sitting there, Techy coughs lightly after a while.

THONGLEDORE: Slllluuuuuuuuuurp. Slllluuurrp. Slurpslurpslurpslurpslurpslurp

He stands up, points to crotch. Then sits down. Everyone is silent in awe. The Icy Dark Black Hand of Death walks in.

DEEP VOICE GUY: Good eve-ah-ning

THONGLEDORE: G’night

He falls sleep.

DVG: uh, well here’s the lowdown. You all know the monster that wreaked havoc upon the world. Well, it’s still at large. As you can tell from this picture (shows extremely blurry picture, can’t see anything), this threat is…. Threatening.

Attempts to make scary hand gesture. No one cares.

TECHY: ….so?

MCGREGOR: Why the fuck do we care?

DVG:….oh, this is pretty important stuff. I mean, the world is kind of at stake here---What the hell are YOU doing?!

Thongledore is on the table dancing.

REASONABLE GUY: This is literally the worst possible group we could’ve come up wi—

Is shot again.

DVG: Shut up Jim.

GERMAN GUY: According to my research, the monster’s gotten stronger. It has even reproduced!

Cuts abruptly to Monster/walrus “Inglorious Basterds-like” scene

GERMAN GUY: Now there’s baby monsters running amok. You must find a way to it’s

ALL OF THE ICY DARK BLACK HAND OF DEATH: Fortress of Eviltude!

They all wave hands menacingly. No one moves.

ALL OF THE ICY DARK BLACK HAND OF DEATH: ….ooooh, that’s means nooooow.

BADASS: Oh, fine.

 PART 3: 

They leave the building.

They turn around.

BADASS: How does anyone not notice this?

Camera turns to show giant domed earthy structure skewered through Rockefeller Plaza. Cuts to inside office where man is walking down hall holding papers, hits head on rock.

OFFICUS JOHNSON: Huh, must be remodeling.

He resumes walking.

Team walking through Times Square.

BADASS: What do these monster babies look like anyways?

They look up to jumbotron with a headline reading “Monster Baby attacking NYC”. Shows pic of baby body, zooms out to show rest of team.

THONGLEDORE: hey, that’s me!

Cuts back to team, baby right in front of them. Baby says: Nya nya nya! Red waves emanate from its brain, turning people into zombies.

TECHY: zombies? why aren’t we being turned into zombies?

BADASS: because we’re main characters.

A store called The 4th Wall explodes down the street. Zombies come out of the store. The baby flies away, leaving the team for dead.

ZOMBIE FIGHT!

TECHY: Badass, use your gun!

Badass pulls out his gun.

BADASS: take that, zombies!

He shoots, but the gun shoots out a little BANG! sign.

BADASS: dammit…

MCGREGOR: I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT…

He take out a HUGE gatling gun and mows down the zombies, sweeping very slowly from the right. Pauses. Starts over from the left. Halfway through

TECHY: ummm, I think that’s good enough-

McGregor gives him a death stare. Badass screams.

TECHY: uh, you just keep on doing your thing.

McGregor puts up his gun and blows out the smoke.

BADASS: For the good of humanity, we must abort these babies.

THONGLEDORE: …..what?

BADASS: You heard me, let’s gets our asses over to the fortress of eviltude.

When he says “fortress of eviltude”, IDBHoD randomly appears and waves arms while saying

IDBHoD: Fortress of eviltude…

MCGREGOR: I’ll take care of this shit.

He prepares giant gun.

DVG: Wait, no…

Throws smoke bomb. Coughing and random yelling and bumping into each other. They run into the back alley.

REASONABLE GUY: This wouldn’t have happened if we would’ve just…

He is shot.

DVG: Shut up Jim.

BADASS: Come on boys, let’s go home….. and by home I mean north. Which is the opposite of home. So say goodbye to your family forever.

They leave.

 PART 4: 

Fisherman is ice fishing in the middle of a lake. Uneventful for about 2 minutes.

FISHICUS JOHNSON: Oh I seem to have to have a bite.

Humongous giant fish jumps out of ice and swallows him whole, pans over to The Grüp walking. Badass holding map.

BADASS: According to this map…

Shows crayon-drawn map of HQ and Fortress of Eviltude drawn with a line.

BADASS:….the fortress of eviltude…. is right…. there.

Shows a huge ice castle right in front of them. Neon lights blinking saying “FORTRESS OF EVILTUDE”, canned evil laughter looping poorly.

They walk in, find out it’s just a theme park ride.

NERDY VOICE: Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times….motherfucker

The ride goes about 2 feet forward and then falls through into a huge icy cavern. Peter Peroxide is there, just leaning against the wall. The Grüp crash lands next to him and he barely notices.

PETER PEROXIDE: Are you guys here to save me?

TECHY: No.

McGregor pulls out revolver and puts to Peter’s forehead.

PETER: Wait, I don’t wanna die again.

THONGLEDORE: Again?

PETER: Let me tell you a tale.

He swipes snow across the screen, flashback to Scarying 1 death scene.

BADASS: So you mean to tell me that your head was ripped off and then surgically reattached?

Peter’s eyes slowly drift apart and he starts drooling. He shakes his head.

PETER: Yup.

TECHY: Guess that explains that giant scar on your neck.

PETER: Oh yeah

He starts rubbing it. The stitches tear and his head leans back, a la Nearly Headless Nick, he makes odd guttural noise

PETER: Aaaaaaagh, nothing a little snow can’t fix.

He moves his head back into place and pats some snow onto his neck.

PETER: So I’m just chillin’

THONGLEDORE: Heh heh ha ha he he……… I don’t get it.

BADASS: (mockingly) like a villain?

EXPLODING BABY: Did somebody say villain?

Pulls out cigar, cigar catches fire.

THONGLEDORE: Zoinks

Scooby-Doo chase scene. (hallway of 8 doors).

At the end of the chase scene, the heroes collide with each other.

EVERYONE: Laughing

Peter’s head falls off again, puts it back on. They resume running and hide behind large metal door.

PETER: That’s the exploding baby. He’s the leader of the babies’ clan. Got 3 other ones out there. Need to take em out!

BADASS: Three more?!

PETER: You deaf?

BADASS:………what?

PETER: Each one has increasingly more evil powers. The next one can create an army out of clones, and another has the power to control the lost damned souls of hell.

TECHY: And the last one?

PETER: It has an evil that cannot be said aloud. It is so terrible that the world would tremble before it.

Badass gets suddenly grabbed by a dark force.

PETER: There it was.

MCGREGOR: The fuck just happened?

PETER: He’s in the most evil world imaginable. We’ll need to split up and find him before it’s too late. Techy, you come with me because you suck.

TECHY: I hope I don’t die.

PETER: Why would that happen?

As they walk away, a sign on his back says “gonna die”

Cut to a haunted house. Badass is crying in the corner.

CLICHÉ BABY: You are trapped in my world of horror now. Rah rah rah! Fear my clichéd power!

Cuts back to ice cavern. Shows beautiful scenery and polar bears and snow leopards sleeping and playing with their cubs with peaceful music. Record scratch with McGregor blowing shit up with a mortar launcher. Explosions everywhere with animals running for their lives.

MCGREGOR: I’m gonna get that motherfucker if it’s the last thing I do…. and it won’t be.

Cuts to image of baby’s feet running. Zooms out and shows that the baby is cloning itself. Huge army ready to attack McGregor. They yell and lunge at him. McGregor turns around, throws down the mortar, pulls out a pump action shotgun, and goes to town. When his clip runs out, he tosses more bullets into the air. He then hits a clone with the butt of the gun and swings it around to catch the bullets, firing between his armpit after. The recoil launches the gun back and it flips so it’s back to normal. More shots. On the last shot, he throws the shotgun and impales a clone with the butt. It hits the ground, the gun discharges, hitting another clone, which lands on the gun and is impaled. McGregor reaches back and reveals chainsaw gauntlets, which he uses to fend off the mob close to him. When they are far enough away, he reveals his circular saw launcher, which he uses to kill some of the last stragglers.

CLONE BABY: no….

It lunges and shoots 5 clones. McGregor fires both circular saws at the same time. In slow-mo, they scrape each other as they cross, rip through the 5 clones, and trap the baby against the wall from its arms. McGregor walks up and points revolver to baby’s head.

CLONE BABY: Please…show mercy.

McGregor raises the gun straight up.

CLONE BABY: thank you

McGregor shoots stalactite and it falls, skewers baby. Its brain pops out.

MCGREGOR: Don’t mention it

Steps on brain.

Cut back to haunted house, Badass is crawling through weeds throughout the yard. Voiceover.

CLICHÉ BABY: Rah rah rah you can’t escape….raaaaa

Badass runs to car and it will not start.

CLICHÉ BABY: The car never starts in horror movies, Badass, have you checked the back seat?

Badass turns around, panicked, expecting baby, but there’s nothing. Baby jumps out of glove compartment. Badass runs away, trips on twig, turns around to watch monster marching slowly toward him.

CLICHÉ BABY: You’ll always trip!!! RRRRRRAh rahr rah rah! I’m walking slowly towards you rhahr hrah rah rah. Somehow, I can keep up with you! Rahaah. Now return to the house, the least safe place raAAAH!!

Cuts to Thongledore sleeping amidst Techy and Peter’s battle with the exploding baby. He wakes up pees on the wall behind him. Techy screams in pain and runs. Thongledore yawns. He finishes and walks into a morgue-like area. He sees the zombie baby in the middle of the room.

THONGLEDORE: Hey! Wass youse doin’ in your lab?!

The zombie baby turns the dead bodies into zombies and sics them on Thongledore. Zombies say “Brains…” and try to attack Thongledore. Seeing that he has no brains, they leave the lab.

ZOMBIE BABY: Awwwwww

He walks off and disappears

THONGLEDORE: I’m gonna go get me hookers

Cuts back to Badass who has a pair of glasses on.

BADASS: how’d I get these glasses!!?!?!?

CLICHÉ BABY: you know what’s going to happen, Badass!

BADASS: huh?

Badass bumps into a ledge, loses his glasses, complains about losing his glasses, falls down a flight of stairs, bats fly in his face, a suit of armor comes to life and tries to kill him, mummy comes out of sarcophagus, werewolf howls, one of the bats turns into Dracula “I vill suck your blood!”, scary tree silhouettes, church bells toll, vultures, owls and crows fly around,Count Crrrrrrrrrrraig appears, “I’m not a cliché!!!”, he gets struck by lightning, a bunch of crazy stuff happens with various things phasing in and out.

CLICHÉ BABY; I can’t take this anymore! Too many clichés!!!!!!

A tear in the scene happens and everything gets sucked into it including cliché baby. Black screen.

Badass opens a white rectangle in the middle of the screen, which is a door.

Badass walks out of door and goes to regrüp.

 PART 5: 

Badass, Techy, McGregor, Peter regroup in the cave and dramatically run forward in slow-mo. There are explosions behind them. Camera turns to show Thongledore shooting a grenade launcher

THONGLEDORE: Sorry guys, I thought it would look cool.

UNKNOWN VOICE: You want cool?

Shows that its Exploding Baby, busts through with explosion

EXPLODING BABY: How ‘bout HOT?

Shows them all disappointed at that terrible attempt at a joke

EXPLODING BABY: They all can’t be winners

Shoots “explosion ball” at Techy. Techy’s head explodes violently.

BADASS: (with gentle surprise, a la Trevor from Gallon of PCP) Oh my god!

Techy’s body falls over.

McGregor pulls out mini-minigun

MCGREGOR: Let’s start this bitch.

He fires wildly for like 10 seconds. Shows the baby with bullet holes all around him, but he is unharmed.

EXPLODING BABY: (kinda surprising, somewhat calm) Uh… you might wanna check your eyesight there.

McGregor takes off his sunglasses, shows his eyes are like a gecko’s, moving around independently

MCGREGOR: (sustained grunt)

Baby starts jumping around the room and shooting exploding balls, they are just dodging for a while. McGregor holds his gun like a baseball bat and hits one of the exploding balls back at the baby. The baby gets knocked back, and charges up for a super attack. It gets up and launches several balls at the gang. Thongledore comes out of nowhere and Dragon Ball Z’s a beam at the cluster to destroy them. He stops the beam and there’s silence for 5 seconds.

BADASS: What….was that?

Cut back to Thongledore, back to normal, rubbing abs. He gets hit by an exploding ball and gets knocked back, hits the wall, is unconscious. The baby lunges to finish him off.

PETER: Noooooooo!

He rips his head off and swings it like a flail, hits the baby as it is flying through the air, charging up for an attack, explosion. Peter gets knocked back, Looney Tunes-esque soot on face, messed up hair. The baby gets knocked through the ceiling, looks out through the hole on the edge.

EXPLODING BABY: You aren’t worth my time. This is bigger than any of you could ever imagine.

McGregor pulls out huuuuuuuuuge rocket launcher.

MCGREGOR: Bigger than this?

Shoots it.

EXPLODING BABY: Oh shit…

He teleports away by exploding. The rocket continues, and hits a large commercial jumbo jet, which nosedives into a cruise ship, which explodes, launching debris onto a nearby village, burning it down. McGregor pulls up his glasses.

MCGREGOR: I think I missed.

Thongledore has gotten back up and pats him on the back.

THONGLEDORE: It’s ok, son. Let’s get back to the Icy Dark Black Hand o…..

McGregor elbows him in the face.

MCGREGOR: Don’t fuckin touch me.

 PART 6: 

Text comes up:

Meanwhile

08:21:00 (timer increases) Washington D.C.

Zooms in on the Capitol, a British voice is heard giving a speech. Camera swoops through halls and into Senate Chamber

BRITISH VOICE: (loud and proud) In conclusion, I feel that you as a people must vote for the candidate who will not only reduce vampire-pig-monster attacks, but increase the amount of Sonic fast food stores per capita!

Zooms in to show him in front of a huge crowd. Crowd goes wild, giving him roaring standing ovation. He turns around to show that is in fact……………………………………………….Crazy British Guy. He has a large scar over the eye and some burn marks on the cheek.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Ha ha ha ha… scones…..hah hah ha…biscuits and tea……haha jolly good.

INTERVIEWICUS JOHNSON: Is it not true that you were horribly burned alive by a monster?

CBG: I’m not one of those politicians who always avoids the question………..next question.

REPORTICUS JOHNSON: What do you plan to do exactly in your presidency?

CBG: First off, I’m gonna destroy this monster at all costs, even if it takes me 100 years!!

Audience looks at each other, a little scared

CBG: Just kidding…. 95!!

More uproarious applause

INQUISITIVICUS JOHNSON: Uhhh… what are you going to do about health care?

CBG freezes, kind of smiles a bit.

CBG: Oi, that’s the kind of question a terrorist would ask.

The rest of the ralliers tear him limb from limb.

CBG: That’s what I like to see!

EVERYONE: All hail Crazy British Guy!

CBG: That’s not my name, my name is-

Abrupt cut back to the IDBHoD HQ.

 PART 7: 

The Grüp is back in the white room, sitting at the table, giving the report to IDBHoD.

BADASS: So, we’ve taken care of all the babies.

PETER: Wait, I thought tha….

BADASS: Shhh

He slaps him, turning Peter’s head sideways, where it sticks.

DVG: Very good, team. Your next task is to…. (suddenly high pitched) wait, who the hell is that??!

Points to Peter. Peter starts guffawing and turns head back to normal.

PETER: My name’s Peter Peroxide.

IDBHoB slowly and deeply chuckles, so does Thongledore.

DVG: Peter Peroxide, you say? This is….. intriguing. There’s someone here you might remember.

Crazy lock opening sequence, door opens, foggy and bright. A silhouette walks in……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It’s Manfred McManlison!

MANFRED: Top story tonight, I’m back.

He rips off fake beard, reveals real beard.

MANFRED:…and the beard’s real.

PETER: Oh my god, it’s Manny!

REASONABLE GUY: Impossible…

BADASS: Who the hell’s this guy?

DVG: This is Manfred McManlison. He fended off against the monster mano y mano.

BADASS: (condescending) And how did that turn out for him?

IDBHoD looks at each other nervously and pulls on their collar. Cuts back to Scarying 1 where Manfred charges the monster. Shows him getting absorbed into the monster’s gelatinous belly and the beard flying into the air.

HUGE BLACK GUY: ….yeah, not too good.

PETER: Well, how’d you make it back, Manny?

IDBHoD once again looks at each other in a nervous fashion. Manfred, who had been sitting down, dramatically stands up, and slams fist on table.

MANFRED: SCIENCE!!!!

Long pause

PETER: Good enough for me.

MANFRED: Who’s this freak in the Dongledore get-up? I’d rather have the real Dongled…. (while he says this, it cuts back to the Scarying 1 rubbing crotch scene) Nevermind. You can stay, kid.

DVG: That’s the best we could do.

Reasonable Guy facepalms. DVG holds up his index finger (meaning just wait)

DVG: That’s Thongledore, Dongledore’s brother.

PETER: Hey whatever happened to that sack of shit?

DVG: Dongledore…. is no more. He must have been killed by the monster. His body... was never found.

Manfred shakes his fist in happiness for a split second

MANFRED: Y….ohhh…. uhh, sorry for your loss, Thongledore.

Manfred pats Thongledore on the back.

THONGLEDORE: Aw, I hated that sack of shit. He always stole my candy. And by candy I mean drugs.

PETER: Ooohhhhhhhh

His eyes drift slowly apart and he drools

GERMAN GUY: Recent intel reveals that the monster has taken refuge in a volcano. You must infiltrate this volcano and kill the monster.

MANFRED (muttering to himself): The Andybird failed its mission?

DVG: What was that?

MANFRED: Oh, nothing, it's just, we seem to be out of options here.

Manfred sits down in disgust.

MANFRED: There must be another way.

BADASS: Uh, why don’t you guys just nuke the place?

GERMAN GUY: Why don’t you shut the fuck up?

MANFRED: Wait, why don’t you guys just nuke the place?

GERMAN GUY: You know, that’s not such a bad idea

HIPPIE GUY: Hey, man, that’s bad for the environment.

GERMAN GUY: Shut up, you hippie.

HIPPIE GUY: Shut up, you Nazi whore.

GERMAN GUY: I am not a whore.

They wrestle

REASONABLE GUY: Hmmm, nuking the place is a good idea.

DVG nods his head at Huge Black Guy, signaling him. Huge Black Guy walks over to Reasonable Guy.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Shut up, Jim

He pounds Reasonable Guy on the head. Reasonable Guy slumps over, unconscious.

DVG: No, we need this to be a covert operation. We can’t have the higher ups in Washington obtaining this information. We need one man for the job, and the four of you are just incompetent enough to be that one man.

THONGLEDORE: yyyyeaah!

He leans back in chair too far and falls out.

They leave the room, ready for battle.

Cut back to Washington.

Show the back of a messenger walking to a secretary’s desk. The camera turns to show the messenger (really Crazy British Guy with a crudely made fake mustache, sunglasses, and a hat with an American flag on it, his scars and burns are still very easily noticeable)

CBG: (bad American accent) I have some information that the higher ups here in Washington might be interested in obtaining…(loses accent) wot wot…. Uhhhhh…. (bad accent again) apple pie… baseball.

SECRETARICUS JOHNSON: Ok, go right ahead into the boardroom.

CBG: Cheerio……’s are a breakfast cereal.

He walks in, the Cabinet is having a discussion. CBG delivers a manila envelope to the Secretary of Defense, then walks out the door and closes it. He pulls out a stethoscope and puts it up to the door to listen in on the conversation.

CBG: (normal voice) I need to find out where that bloody Monster is hiding…. Blast, I can’t hear anything good. All I hear is this door’s heartbeat. I’ll need to campaign harder to get in that boardroom.

 PART 8: 

Montage time! Music is playing

Crazy British Guy is at a rally, talking to some people. He shakes the hand of an elderly person, and gives them a campaign button. The button says “Crazy British Guy: A True Sane American”

Then shows him at another rally, shaking another old person’s hand. He gives them a greasy bag of Sonic fast food. The person is disgusted. CBG points behind them, the person looks, CBG steals the box of tater tots, and bolts in the opposite direction.

Cut back to The Grüp off roading it across a mountainous region. Manfred is driving a Hummer, with McGregor in the passenger seat and everyone else (Badass, Thongledore, Peter) is in the back. McGregor has a harpoon gun and shoots down a large African condor and reels it into the truck. Everyone looks bewildered.

MCGREGOR: Dinner

Cut to that night, everyone is sitting around a campfire, they have a tent. Thongledore is telling a ghost story (audience can’t hear what he’s saying). He makes a scary motion at Peter. Peter’s head falls off and rolls into the fire, catching on fire. Peter picks up his head and puts it back on his body, but the head’s on fire. He runs around in circles. McGregor is laughing, and Manfred shoves a bucket of water onto his head. Meanwhile, Thongledore is creeping over on Badass. Thongledore slowly puts his hand down his own pants. As soon as the hand enters, cut scene.

Cut to next morning, tent is down, campfire smoldering, pan over to show them all wearing Arabian attire, riding camels. McGregor’s camel is hilariously small, and after a couple of steps, it collapses. McGregor gives it a disappointing look and uses his gun as an oar to push through the sand.

They arrive at a truck-stop diner and pick up some breakfast. Peter nudges Manfred and points to a television screen on the wall. It shows Crazy British Guy. Manfred opens his mouth and copious amounts of food fall out. Montage music ends. Cut to CBG Commercial

(stupid patriotic music is playing, American flag in background, typical campaign commercial)

CBG: ‘ello there, I’m a crazy British guy. My name’s not important, but what is important, though, is that I am running for President.

(the Crazy British Party logo comes up, it’s a cartoon version of CBG giving a thumbs up)

CBG: Who better exemplifies the Crazy British Party than me, Crazy British Guy. Come this election day, remember, why vote for someone competent, when you can vote for me?

VOICE OVER: Paid for by the We Love Sonic Commission

Manfred shakes his head.

MANFRED: (mumbling) I don’t know

Montage music starts back up. Cut to them in the parking lot. Peter is hotwiring a car while McGregor, Manfred, and Badass watch. Peter gets the car started and signals them to come.

PETER: Where’s Thongledore?

Thongledore comes running out of the diner, laughing, carrying a bound woman on his back over his shoulder. A fat, greasy, yokel comes running after him, yelling.

HICKICUS JOHNSON: You done gots my daughter/fiancé

Thongledore hops into the bed of the truck as it drives off.

Cut to a polling booth. People are voting for the election. Show various ballots being turned in, some with CBG’s vote, some with his competitor, Hank Jackson.

KQJX News is giving the report on the election results. J. Jonah Jameson is the reporter at the desk.

J. JONAH JAMESON: We’re here with the latest info about the election. The race has been closer than my relationship with Spiderman, I mean the Monster, I mean my wife.

While he says this, it shows a bar graph of CBG’s and Hank Jackson’s votes. They are both going up and down in a close race, then both bars turn into fists and punch each other, making a huge explosion. Crazy British Guy’s name comes out the fire.

J. JONAH JAMESON: Looks like we have a winner folks. The winner of the

ROBOTIC VOICE: Insert year here

J. JONAH JAMESON: election is….. Spiderman!

He pauses for a while. Someone offscreen hands him a note.

J. JONAH JAMESON: I mean Crazy British Guy! This truly is a remarkable day for the countr… Parker, what are you doing over there?

He stands up.

J. JONAH JAMESON: Where’s my coffee? You’re fired! (Points a little to the right) You’re fired! (Points a little to the right) You’re hired! (Points to same person) You’re fired! (Points to someone else) You want a job? You’re hired!

On the screen, shows huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge crowd at the Capitol chanting “Crazy British Guy, Crazy British Guy…etc”

Cut back to The Grüp out of gas at a sketchy gas station. Two Cuban drug lords are there, bartering with The Grüp for how they will get the gas (they’re out of money). Manfred offers to give Peter and the girl Thongledore kidnapped in exchange for 1 tank of gas. They accept. Manfred, McGregor, Badass, and Thongledore drive off, with Peter left behind.

End o’ montage.

 PART 9: 

Back at Washington, Crazy British Guy giving his acceptance speech.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: And in conclusion, my main objective during my term is to implement the best in shipment technology.

The crowd is silent. A lone voice emerges.

SHOUT-IN-A-CROWDICUS JOHNSON: (shouting enthusiastically) YEAH!

Everyone else joins in.

CBG: Yes, I have pioneered the ultimate means of transporting our goods: The Super Efficient Method of Exporting Necessities!

Giant tarp behind him rolls down as he says this, revealing the acronym S.E.M.E.N. The crowd mutters to each other

CBG: It is my goal to spread our S.E.M.E.N. (pronounced “seh-MEN”) across the globe!....... Wait.

He turns around to look at the tarp.

CBG: (angrily) Oh, ffffffffffffffollocks! I’ll have my best researchers working on a better acronym. In the meantime, I’ve decided that it’s time to test out the prototype. Here, we have Mario the Janitor.

Mario looks like video game Mario, obviously. He is standing next to a giant green pipe, leading into the ground.

MARIO: Why-a you want-a me? What-a you doing?

CBG: Oi, Mario, you want a cannoli?

Throws a cannoli into the pipe.

MARIO: (happily) Oooh, mama mia, a cannoli!

He jumps in after the cannoli. Mario sound effect.

CBG: Find anything down there, Mario?

MARIO: Just-a some fire, some bricks, (shouts) a giant fucking turtle with a hammer!

Shows Mario’s point of view. A really realistic hammer bro. lunges at him, lifts up his hammer, swings down.

Cut back to CBG. Blood squirts out of the pipe.

CBG: Oh….

Covers the pipe with a tarp.

CBG: How about we all go home?

Everyone happily obliges.

 PART 10: 

The Grüp arrives at the entrance to a cave. They go spelunking into it. Shortly after, they find a massive door. The entrance to the Monster’s lair!!!!!! OOH! Spooky. Standing in front of the door are the two remaining monster babies, Exploding Baby and Zombie Baby.

ZOMBIE BABY: Back again, I see. Nya, sí?

THONGLEDORE: (authentic Spanish accent) Me cosas de mi ropa interior con un plátano pretender que tengo un paquete gigante.

Both babies are silent. Exploding Baby suddenly lunges after McGregor, turning into a streak of fire. McGregor pulls out a battle axe and lunges as well. Zombie Baby also lunges. The three of them collide and Exploding Baby teleports them in an explosion, leaving Manfred, Badass, and Thongledore.

BADASS: Well, that’s not good.

MANFRED: It’s McGregor. I think he can handle himself.

Cut to middle of a World Cup Championship Game. Vuvuzela sounds everywhere. They teleport into the middle of field.

MCGREGOR: The fuck we doin here?

Zombie baby laughs sinisterly and his head pulsates.

EXPLODING BABY: Prepare to meet your doom, McGregor. Or should I say, McDeader.

MCGREGOR: Not gonna lie, that was pretty good.

Suddenly, the zombie fans climb over and storm the field, swarming McGregor. They are still playing their vuvuzelas. Some zombies surround McGregor and tackle him. Exploding Baby fires exploding balls at the mob, leaving a scorch mark.

EXPLODING BABY: Well that was fast.

In the distance, McGregor is hanging on the light. Jumps off, knives in hand. Yells. Exploding Baby turns around and shouts. McGregor knives both of them in the chest and drags them to the ground. They kick him off and take the two knives out of the chest, then fly away.

ZOMBIE BABY: GET HIM!

Zombies are all around McGregor. He looks up, huge volley of exploding balls (a la 300’s arrow).

MCGREGOR: That’s what I’m talking about.

He doesn’t flinch at all, massive explosion. When the dust settles, it shows that McGregor is standing on a small pile of earth surrounded by a massive crater.

MCGREGOR: My turn

He shoots his harpoon gun, impaling 20 zombies like a shish kebab. He then takes out a flamethrower and sets the impaled zombies on fire. He swings the giant flaming rod of zombies around like a flail, with the camera swooping around. It’s all awesome and stuff. McGregor is yelling as it cuts to the next scene.

Cut back to Manfred, Badass, and Thongledore. They are awed by the giant door. Manfred reads the engraving on the door. In order to beat The Monster (me) | You must pass these trials (3)

MANFRED: Huh, I guess it knows how to rhyme.

Looks down, sees there’s an engraving at the bottom of the door. Yeah I do. Manfred takes a deep breath and then opens the door. When it opens, fog seeps out and a voice says “EVIL!” scarily.

THONGLEDORE: So, who’s gonna go in there first?

MANFRED: Eeny, meeney, miney…..Stan

Stan is doing some dumbbell curls in the cave.

STAN: Whaaaa?

MANFRED: Get going!

Stan sighs, then runs into the fog.

STAN: (shouting) I’ll save the world!

Shortly after he runs into the fog, Stan screams for mercy, and then a skull with a ‘fro is thrown out.

MANFRED: Guess that just leaves us.

He turns around and Thongledore and Badass are gone, leaving a dust trail.

MANFRED: Badass, my ass.

He ventures into the fog alone.

 PART 11: 

Cut back to McGregor. He is done with the huge flaming zombie flail, and has resorted to gunning down the zombies with pistols. He is overwhelmed by zombies and they pile up on top of him. The pile begins to shake and then blows apart, with McGregor wielding two pistols. Super-super-super slo-mo, he is shooting the zombies out of the air with his pistols. They fall to the ground, with McGregor looking badass (not like the sheriff though). The Zombie Baby just looks on in fear.

Cuts back to Manfred in the fog. He is slowly walking through the chamber. A voice whispers, it might be the fog.

FOG: (quietly) Deeeennnnnniiiisssssooooonnnnnn

Manfred just keeps on walking. He steps on a tripwire that opens up a trap door. He manages to hang on the edge and pull himself back up. He looks down and sees that the bottom is filled with saw blades, spikes, lava, and lava-gators.

MANFRED: Good thing I missed that.

Keeps walking for a few more steps, but pauses.

MANFRED: Something doesn’t seem right, here.

DONGLEDORE’S VOICE: (ghostly) it’s probably me.

MANFRED: What was that?

DONGLEDORE’S VOICE: It’s Dongledore. I’m here to help you out. The safe path isn’t always the correct path.

MANFRED: Come again?

DONGLEDORE’S VOICE: ….want some candy?

MANFRED: No. Could you just give some advice that’s not totally cryptic?

DONGLEDORE’S VOICE: ….no. I’m gonna go back inside your head now. Bye-bye.

Manfred pauses for a bit, and looks back toward the pit.

MANFRED: I don’t know about this.

While he’s thinking about it, the camera turns to show that the path right in front of him was actually a cleverly painted vat of acid with skeletons inside (it looked safe, but if he walked one more step, he would’ve died). Manfred gathers his breath and leaps into the pit. Everything in the pit was just a hologram, and Manfred safely lands into a chair.

VOICE: Welcome to Trial 2!

Lights turns on, show that Manfred is the contestant on a game show. The voice belongs to a Game Show Host, who is a rotting corpse dressed in the usual Game Shot Host garb, colorful tweed jacket, etc. “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” transition theme plays, cut back to McGregor.

McGregor is in a standoff with the zombie baby. Only two zombies remain. Seeing as there are no more humans to corrupt, the zombie baby is screwed. McGregor pulls out a trident and starts stuffing it into the barrel of his rocket launcher. The zombie baby looks on, confused and scared. McGregor holds up a finger, telling him to wait a second. He loads up the trident and fires it at the baby. The middle prong impales the zombie baby while the other two impale the two remaining zombies. McGregor looks at the Exploding Baby, and cocks his pump action shotgun.

MCGREGOR: And then there was one.

Exploding baby gulps

 PART 12: 

Manfred is very confused at his surroundings. In the other seats in the auditorium, skeletons are sitting.

GAME SHOW HOST: (high-pitched, enthusiastic) Welcome to “Who Wants to Live”. We have our first contestant in the last 1000 years! Are you ready to play for your life?

MANFRED: Yeah, how do you know English?

GAME SHOW HOST: Question 1!!!

MANFRED: Out of how many?

GAME SHOW HOST: One (his lower jaw falls off)

MANFRED: Ooh, that kinda looks like it hurt.

GAME SHOW HOST: It did….. a lot…

Host flips a coin, catches it.

GAME SHOW HOST: Heads or tails?

MANFRED: Is that seriously the question?

GAME SHOW HOST: Yes. I’ll give you a hint. Pick heads.

MANFRED: Uhhh… tails?

GAME SHOW HOST: Shit!! You figured me out! No matter, you’re going to die anyway when you face off against the (he turns demonic and fiery, with an evil voice) Javelinataur.

The lights in the game show room are flashing and confetti falls. Some lights on the ceiling fall down because of the place’s age. The room starts to fall apart and Manfred heads out through the ominous door.

Cut to McGregor.

MCGREGOR: Pull

Exploding Baby shoots exploding balls. McGregor blasts them out of the sky, laughing. He catches two of the exploding balls in his bare hands and then slams them together to create a beam of explosion that he attacks the baby with. The exploding baby is running through the stands, as the beam is chasing it. The exploding baby teleports to the top of the stadium to avoid being vaporized. McGregor puts a sniper scope onto his shotgun and lines up his sights. He also puts a loudener on the gun, and shoots it. Really freakin loud. The camera follows the spread of pellets from the shotgun as they hit the baby in the leg. He topples over and is hanging of the side of the stadium.

MCGREGOR: This little piggy cried whee…. whee… whee….

 PART 13: 

Manfred looks around, he is outside again. Looming in the distance is the Monster’s volcano. The hill he is on is made of human bones.

MANFRED: I guess a lot of people passed the first two trials.

Extremely loud roar.

MANFRED: And they died here…gotcha.

The javelinataur (a giant javelina that walks on 2 legs) jumps out of the bones and prepares for battle. Manfred is dodging the javelinataur’s attacks like a matador for a while, seeming to be screwed.

MANFRED: Oh right, I stole Badass’s gun the other day while he was sleeping.

He takes out Badass’s pistol and fires it at the javelinataur. The bang sign comes out like before.

MANFRED: Are you fucking kidding me? That worthless sack of….

He pulls the trigger again, the bang sign turns out to be a claw, which is shot out like a harpoon. The claw accidently impales the javelinataur in the brain.

MANFRED: (surprised) Oh. That could’ve gone a lot worse. Well… uh… I-I guess I’m done!

He walks up to the volcano base, which has a huge intricate lock system.

MANFRED: How am I supposed to get in?

He notices a cardboard sign next to the door saying Insert Javelina Feet Here.

MANFRED: Oh, well that’s convenient.

Reaches in his pocket, can’t find anything sharp, pulls out a toothbrush.

MANFRED: This is going to take a while…

Cut to McGregor, one last time.

MCGREGOR: Ready to die?

Holds up rocket launcher.

EXPLODING BABY: No, I kinda want to live.

MCGREGOR: Too fuckin’ bad.

He shoots the rocket and it zooms past the baby.

EXPLODING BABY: You missed

MCGREGOR: Really?

Exploding Baby turns around, sees the rocket heading toward a plane, misses the plane.

EXPLODING BABY: Uh, you still missed

MCGREGOR: You sure about that?

EXPLODING BABY: What?!

The rocket heads into outer space. Camera follows the rocket as it collides with the moon. Small chunk of the moon falls down and hurtles towards the baby.

EXPLODING BABY: IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBL-

The meteor collides with him and creates a huge shockwave, sending debris into the air. McGregor stands there, looking like one bad motherfucker.

MCGREGOR: It’s all up to Manfred now…………………………………. How the fuck do I get home?

 PART 14 (THE FINAL BATTLE!): 

Manfred has the javelina feet, places them into the slots. After a ridiculously awesome door opening sequence, the volcano opens up and a stairway into it appears. Manfred walks into the depths dramatically, arriving at a room with a table and an archway of darkness. On the table is a wide variety of weapons. On the wall, written in blood is Choose Yonder Weapon Wisely, Ye Great Warrior. Manfred looks around. On the table lay a rocket launcher, a pistol, a gatling gun, a giant claymore sword, a flamethrower, a futuristic laser gun, a giant nuke, a quintuple barreled shotgun, and a wooden sword.

MANFRED: Hmmm, I think this one of those situations where the worst choice is the best choice.

He picks up the wooden sword, swings it once, and steps into the archway of darkness.

Pitch black. Lava flares up in the background, showing the silhouette of the monster.

THE MONSTER: We meet again Manfred.

MANFRED: This time, I’m ready.

He unsheathes the sword and points it at The Monster.

THE MONSTER: Is that a wooden sword?

MANFRED: …maybe?

They lunge at each other. Manfred swings his sword and the monster blocks it with its gauntlet. As soon as they collide, lava shoots up out of the ground, illuminating the room and surrounding their platform. The monster laughs at Manfred and kicks him down to the ground

THE MONSTER: Pathetic as ever, Manfred.

MANFRED: Definitely should’ve picked the rocket launcher.

The monster kicks the sword into the lava, laughing.

THE MONSTER: You’ve only seen a fraction of my power. Fear my wrath!

He glows, the volcano shakes, and the monster transforms into a 100 foot tall grotesque version of itself.

The floor breaks and they’re in an open part of the cavern, with lava below. Manfred uses the bang-sign grappling hook to grapple up to a platform. He jumps from platform to platform with the Monster chasing him. The monster breaks through the platforms with ease, and launches fire at Manfred. Manfred shoots the grappling hook at the ceiling and starts running along the walls of the cavern, dodging the blasts fired by the monster. Manfred pulls off a stalactite and attacks the monster’s arms with it, but it doesn’t do much damage. It seems like Manfred will lose, as the monster is destroying all of his footholds. Eventually, all that remains is one platform high up in the sky suspended by a long stalagmite, and a ledge off toward the bottom. Manfred is on the ledge and the monster looks down on him ominously. Before they face off, epic camera pan on their faces, Manfred is tattered, Monster isn’t.

THE MONSTER: Nowhere left to run, Manfred.

MANFRED: I’m not running. Not anymore.

He shoots the grappling hook right at the Monster’s forehead and it hits its mark. Manfred pulls back on the hammer of the gun, which zooms Manfred up to the monster. Slo-mo, dramatic music as Manfred rears back with the stalactite, ready to attack the monster. Silent as the camera rotates around. Sound comes back, normal speed as Manfred stabs him. When he is stabbed, the normal sized monster is ripped out of the giant monster head and they fight on the suspended platform in the air. The giant monster’s body falls into the lava, making a giant pillar of fire surround the small platform that they are fighting on. It’s a hardcore fistfight, both are going all out, and the monster transforms its arms into blades. Manfred dodges the blades, front flips over the monster, and gets behind it. Manfred grabs the monster’s arm-blades from behind and slowly manages to stab the monster in the abdomen with its own blades. The pillars of fire erupt in one final burst and then die down. The monster crawls to the edge of the platform, knowing that it has been defeated.

MANFRED: Looks like the good guys DID win.

THE MONSTER: I am the good guy.

MANFRED: (intense, unparalleled shock) That’s impossible….

Camera zooms into Manfred’s eye as Monster tells story.

THE MONSTER: You’ve been wrong about me, Manfred. You have unknowingly aided the forces of evil.

Cut back to the walrus-monster doggy style scene. The “monster” takes its hood off and reveals that it was the Andybird.

ANDYBIRD: KAH-HAH-HAaaaah

THE MONSTER: The Andybird is the truly evil one. I was sent by my ancestors to destroy it.

MANFRED: No, you’re wrong. You are evil!

THE MONSTER: The Andybird’s evil is unprecedented. You were foolish to unleash its full power upon the world.

MANFRED: But, you killed the Andybird.

THE MONSTER: I fear that’s not true. The Andybird may be growing more powerful as we speak. Someone is aiding it in its diabolical plot.

MANFRED: How could the Andybird be evil? It helped me out.

THE MONSTER: It was using you. The Andybird has a vendetta against the entire human race. It will not rest until all of humankind is exterminated. Believe me, it is an evil you couldn’t possibly imagine.

MANFRED: If you’re the good guy, then why were so brutal in killing my friends?

THE MONSTER: I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty fun. Remember when I stabbed that guy with the tiki torch? Ha ha ha h-(coughs violently)

The monster clutches wound

THE MONSTER: (weakly) Come closer, Manfred

Manfred moves in closer and crouches.

THE MONSTER: (weakerly) Remove my mask

Manfred slowly removes the monster’s mask. A horrible, gruesome mess that could not possibly be described by human words lay underneath the mask. The monster makes a weird gurgling sound.

Manfred, in a fit of panic, accidently kicks the monster over the edge and screams. The Monster makes the monster sound as he falls into the lava.

MANFRED: Oh, shit, he was the good guy. I need to warn the others.

 PART 15: 

Manfred returns to the door at the entrance to the trials. Thongledore and Badass are shooting dice, without a care in the world.

THONGLEDORE: You cheating son of a bitch….

BADASS: Oh hey Manny, save any worlds today?

MANFRED: Change of plans. We’ve got some work to do. It looks like this war….

He loads a pistol that he took from the volcano.

MANFRED: …has just begun.

The three of them get up and run dramatically to the exit of the cave. The exit is a white light, which encompasses the screen, transitioning to next scene.

Cut to the Oval Office. It is raining outside. Big chair facing the window. Crazy British Guy is in the chair as President.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: All according to plan, my pretty.

Shows the Andybird on the armrest. He is stroking it (a la Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget)

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Hah ha ha ha… jolly good… ha ha ha… scones… ha ha ha ha ha ha (suddenly evil and loud) BISCUITS AND TEA!

ANDYBIRD: KAH-HAH-HAAAA

Super quick zoom on Andybird. Cut to black.

CREDITS

S.E.M.E.N. tarp flaps in the wind. Drilling machines finish their big project: a giant hole through the center of the Earth that leads to China. Crazy British Guy drops a package into the hole. Seconds later, it hits a Chinese man on the head

CHINACUS JOHNSON-CHEN: (stereotypical accent, annoyed) Oh, aah so!

Cut to the volcano where the monster died. A hand reaches out of the lava.

THE END