Part 16



OFFICIAL SCRIPT

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 PART 16: 

Manfred and Co. give chase to the government agents that have kidnapped BiTC. They rush through the door onto the streets. BiTC is being forced into a presidential limo (actually a stretch Hummer). The Grüp looks on in horror as they are dragged away, and they cannot catch them by merely running.

MANFRED: MCGREGOR!! STOP THEM WITH YOUR GUN!

MCGREGOR: Oh yeah

McGregor looks at his hands, expecting a gun, but there’s nothing there. McGregor grunts questionably and turns around.

MANFRED: DID YOU LEAVE YOUR GUN BEHIND!!?!

McGregor grunt/shrugs again. The gun is the middle of the road and is about to get run over by a steamroller. McGregor agonizingly watches the Trustbuster get flattened into a pancake by the steamroller.

MCGREGOR: Oh, uh, whoops

Manfred facepalms and then flags down a cab to give chase. The Grüp enters the cab.

MANFRED: FOLLOW THAT LIMO SLASH HUMMER!

Suddenly, the ceiling lights turn on!

CAB DRIVER: You’re on the Cash Cab!

Cut to cab driver being thrown out of the cab’s window. The Grüp drives off after stealing his cab.

MANFRED (driving): Be on the lookout for a giant limo, it might be hard to spot.(crashes through several panes of glass being carried by workers) Why do they need BiTC…?

Cut to the Presidential Hummer where BiTC is held captive.

HIPPIE GUY: Aw man, I’m so bummed out.

DEEP VOICE GUY: No. We can’t give up now. We will not surrender without a fight!

He kicks open the sunroof and hops out. The Grüp spots him and gives chase, but a huge secret service operative climbs out the window and jump up.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Heh heh, nowhere to run now, fool.

DEEP VOICE GUY: Who said anything about running? (cracks knuckles)

The have an epic, expertly choreographed fistfight on top of a speeding limo. The limo swerves in and out of traffic trying to shake off both The Grüp chasing them and Deep Voice Guy on the limo itself. McGregor takes potshots at the tires of the limo as the combatants atop nearly fall off. The secret service agent pulls out a switchblade and spins it between his fingers.

DEEP VOICE GUY: Never bring a knife to a knife fight…Bring a gun.

He pulls out a Glock and shoots the agent right in the foot. Commence screaming. The agent loses his knife and it falls off the limo and the highway. Deep Voice Guy shoots again but it only had one shot.

DEEP VOICE GUY: And more than one bullet…

He then chucks the gun at the agent, hitting him in the face, adding further humiliation.

Cut to a happy-go-lucky bystander walking down the street.

JIMMY: Man, golly. I sure am in a good mood today. By George, nothing could possibly make this day bad, especially not a knife falling from the sky and impaling me.

Knife falls from the sky and nearly impales him.

JIMMY: Huh, well whadaya know?

The gun thrown by Deep Voice Guy falls into his outstretched hand unexpectedly.

JIMMY (still in happy voice): Well, time to commit crime! Everybody get on the gosh darn ground!

Cut back to the limo roof where Deep Voice Guy and the agent are wrestling. The agent pins Deep Voice Guy to the hood.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Any last words?

DEEP VOICE GUY (dramatically): The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: what.

He is then kicked into the air several feet by Deep Voice Guy, where he is then smashed by an overpass.

Manfred looks out the car window

MANFRED: HOLY SHIT.

The limo driver realizes that BiTC is trying to escape and gets on the offramp to try and swerve him off. McGregor opens the cab door.

PETER: What the hell are you doin’, Greggy?

MCGREGOR: Justice.

He then leaps from the cab like a majestic gazelle. A gazelle with sociopathic homicidal tendencies. He leaps onto the hood of the limo as it crosses under them in the offramp. He punches out the passenger window and climbs in. As he’s fighting with the driver, the limo goes off the road into a construction site. The Grüp follows closely behind. The limo drives into a giant pipe that is picked up by a crane. The Grüp follows likewise in another pipe. Both cars drive onto the extremely narrow catwalks dozens of feet in the air.

LIMO G.P.S.: You seem to have taken a wrong turn. Auto-correcting.

The limo drives up a ramp, and knocks it over so The Grüp can’t follow. Instead, there’s a buzz saw ahead of them cutting things. They’re driving right at it.

MANFRED: Waitaminute-

The buzz saw cuts through the cab directly in half, sending Manfred and Thongledore in one half and Peter in the other careening towards the ground. The car halves act as baskets to save them, and Manfred and Thongledore escape with merely a scratch. Peter, however is knocked out in the car debris and the split half he’s in slides along the highway into the nearby junkyard.

As this all happens, two construction workers sit on the girders with their lunchboxes.

WORKER #1: Does that seem strange at all to you?

WORKER #2: Just another day in Vegas.

The limo somehow manages to return to ground level using another pipe/crane during McGregor and the driver’s wrestling. Back on the ground, they stop and look at each with wide eyes thinking “how the hell did that just happen?”

LIMO DRIVER: How the hell did that just happen?

MCGREGOR: I’m McGregor.

They crash into a telephone pole abruptly, finally stopping this car. BiTC and Rosie climb out of the sun roof to escape, but now the government’s really mad. Payne comes flying in with Badass as his hostage on his trademark Osprey, while several Black Hawk helicopters, tanks and jeeps roll in. BiTC’s victory is short-lived, however, as Huge Black Guy and Hippie Guy are taken by a helicopter, German Guy is taken in a jeep, and Deep Voice Guy, Rosie, and Reasonable Guy are taken in a separate helicopter. McGregor grunts loudly and pulls out two grappling hooks. He uses these to swing through the strip and chases after Huge Black Guy and Hippie Guy’s captor.

Cut to the wreckage of the Cash Cab where Manfred and Thongledore get out of their chunk of car.

MANFRED: That was….pretty crazy, wasn’t it?

Abnormal sounds from Thongledore (well, normal to him)

MANFRED: Eh, I shouldn’t be asking you.

They see BiTC getting taken away by the various vehicles.

MANFRED: Thongledore, you go after the German Guy, you complement each other well. I’ve got a score to settle.

THONGLEDORE: ‘ey, OK there Manfred!

He stands still for a couple of seconds, rubbing his beard. He then suddenly takes off running at a super-human speed for some reason.

MANFRED: That guy just gets weirder every day.

Manfred heads off to the junkyard, where Peter’s still knocked out.

Cut to Peter’s point of view, where he is groggily waking up. The scenery is very blurred.

PETER (V.O.): Heeyy, I’m flying! Wheeeeeee (his pitch switches like his voice is cracking)!

His vision clears and it shows that he’s being lifted by the magnet in the junkyard, hovering over a grinder.

PETER: Oh, this is bad. Whee?

The magnet drops Peter, and he plunges toward certain doom, but a heroic hand is there to save him. Manfred McManlison grabs Peter to safety.

MANFRED: I gotcha, little man.

PETER: Manny, you came to save me! The real Manny! You have to be the real Manny!

MANFRED: I’ll always be there to save you.

PETER: I love you-

MANFRED: ..Let’s not get carried away.

They leave the junkyard.

MANFRED: Looks like the KQJX News Dynamic Duo doth return. Come, Peter, it’s time to be heroes.

They flat-out steal some innocent bystander’s motorcycle (with a sidecar)

PETER: We’re definitely heroes, all right.

MOTORCYCLIST: Hey, you just stole my hog!

MANFRED: Shut it, you.

Manfred kicks the guy back. He tumbles backward into an open sewer, screaming.

MANFRED: Feels good to do good things in the world…. As a hero. Right, Peter? (during this conversation, alligator sounds and screaming can be heard from the sewer below)

PETER: You betcha, Manny.

They look in the distance at Payne’s escaping Osprey.

MANFRED: Now let’s go save us some Badass.