Part 8



'OFFICIAL SCRIPT'

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 PART 8:  The Grüp arrives at an extravagantly humongous mansion. It has those giant door knockers, which Manfred uses to knock. Thongledore rejoins the crew after his interrogation, and a flamboyant butler opens the door.

THE YES PERSON: (high pitched, loud) Yeeeeeessssssss??!!!

MANFRED: Uhhh, is this the home of El Diablo Peroxido?

THE YES PERSON: Yeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss!!!

MANFRED: Can we, uh, come in…?

THE YES PERSON: (normal voice) Hold on, let me check.

Stares at them blankly for a couple of seconds.

THE YES PERSON: (high pitched, loud again) YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Stares at them blankly again.

MANFRED: Will you… let us in?

Stares blankly some more.

MANFRED: We’re just gonna…. go in if that’s alright….

They squeeze past him.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">THE YES PERSON: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss!!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Is something wrong with you?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">THE YES PERSON: I had a strooooooooooooooooooooke!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">They make it to Peter’s Drug Den, complete with mounds of white powder and ho’s all ho-ing around. Peter is lounging in a huge office in an unbuttoned suit, with lots of chest hair. He’s got aviators on, and powder all around him.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER PEROXIDE (normal voice): Took you guys long enough to find me. Too busy sucking each other’s dick?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Ok, I know you might be little mad at us for ditching you back there.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER PEROXIDE: You sold me for a gallon of gasoline!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Well, it was a good gallon of gasoline! We got a whole 5 miles out of it in our American Car-mobile

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: What happened to the Manny that I knew? The Manny I looked up to. Not some selfish prick… ya prick

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Yo man, we’re cool right? Remember all the good times we had?? Doing…. the news…. and more news. Yeah good times right? Heh he heh, remember when I almost got fired? And you got your head ripped off? Now, that’s funny right there!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: Shut up, you’re not the Manny I remember. Something’s…..changed. So what’re you guys down here in the ‘ba (Cuba)?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">As Manfred talks, he rummages through the room.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: We’re investigating how we can kill the Andybird without The Monster.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: What the fuck is an Andybird?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Oh, you don’t know? Wait, lemme remember what happened in the first movie agai--- I mean the first sequence of events that constitute our lives. That’s right, you got your head ripped off before we learned about the Andybird.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Peter’s head suddenly rolls back and nearly falls off. He pats some white powder onto it and puts his head back in place. His pupils get really small, then go back to normal.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: I’m back from the crazy land. How long was I gone? 5 weeks?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Um… half a second?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: oh…

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">His eyes drift apart and he drools. He snaps out of it.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: How long was I gone?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Looks like you’ve really made a name for yourself here, huh?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Manfred sniffs the powder and licks his finger.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Hmmm… Splenda.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: Yeah, I really like it here. A lot of candy, a lot of “candy”, a lot of ho’s. Here’s my main one! Rosie Reynoso!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">In walks the main ho, Rosie(basically Michele Rodriguez).

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">ROSIE: Hola, mi amor. Who are los gringos… and el gay? (points to Thongledore, who has joined)

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Thongledore is making a snow angel in the powder.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Hey, shut up. He ain’t got no brains.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: I don’t got time for women. I get my pleasure from the warm hand of JUSTICE!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: You’ve got to be kidding me.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">ROSIE: What do you want? Why do you disrupt us?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Recently, you acquired some mercenaries from South America, did you not?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Manfred looks over to the shelf – there is a jar with a big label on it saying “BiTC”. Suddenly Manfred gets tense.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? This could be crucial to our mission!! “BiTC” is thing that is linking everything together!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: Let’s see, how DID I get it? Uhh…. Oh yeah! The new mercenary brought it!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Has this mercenary done anything strange lately?!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: Oh, well, nothing that crazy….actually now that I think about it, he’s kinda, well, actually just take a look.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">They look out the window and see the mercenary, who is clearly a zombie, eating Juan.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">SALESMAN’S WIFE: JUUAAAAAANNNNNN! Did you get the grass yet??!? No?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: He’s had some strange eating habits. But, nothing too out of ordinary-

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Suddenly the zombie jumps super high through the window into the Drug Den and growls.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: I guess that’s out of the ordinary.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">McGregor tackles all of them (Manfred, Peter, Rosie, Badass, Thongledore) through the window to safety. He then turns around and pulls out a rocket launcher. He rockets the zombie right in the face, causing a huge explosion. He turns back around. The dust settles, revealing that the zombie was not hurt at all in the blast. It just shrugs.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MCGREGOR: -the fuck?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">He dives backwards and orders the others to run.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: What is this thing, some kind of super zombie?!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Yes, it’s a super zombie. It has body armor and can run super fast unlike the other zombies. They have a typical favela rooftop chase, with the good guys frantically shooting back at the super zombie. When they run out of buildings to cross, they look back.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS (worried): Looks like it’s the end of the line!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Time to take a leap of faith.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Everyone else jumps off onto a canopy then makes it to ground level. The super zombie approaches Badass.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Oh man, oh man, oh man!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">He narrowly avoided being clawed and falls, breaking the canopy. The newspaper salesman working there yells at him for breaking the canopy. Suddenly the zombie lands on the salesman. They run through the crowds trying to get back to their seaplane. The run into a fruit stand, a pair of guys holding a pane of glass, and a chicken coop. Thongledore has a chicken stuck on him, which he throws, covering him in feathers. He looks around and smiles, flaps his arms a couple of times and flies through the air. He observes the land below and then falls down. As they’re about to reach the sea plane, McGregor stops them.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MCGREGOR: I have an idea.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">He grabs an anchor (as they are on a pier) and wraps around the body of the plane. He then swings it around as the propeller is running. He swings it and slices the super zombie in half horizontally. The legs of the zombie keep running around and Badass runs up and tries to fight them.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Take that, you meanie.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">He kicks them in a futile effort. Manfred laughs and kicks the zombie legs in the balls. They keel over and fall off the pier into a pit of sharks. The upper torso continues crawling toward McGregor.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MCGREGOR: I’ve had enough of this.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">He pulls out a Gatling gun and pulverizes the zombie, laughing maniacally while doing so.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MCGREGOR: I’m the good guy!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Everyone regroups after the battle. They look at the remains the zombie and read the chest plate on the armor: “Property of the U.S. Government”

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: What’s General Payne been up to…?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: He’s been a “payne” in our ass.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">They all look at him and McGregor makes a threatening step towards him. Badass surrenders.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">BADASS: Squueeeee!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Manfred pulls a Salisbury steak out of one pocket and a map out of the other. In between bites, he discusses the plan.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED (pointing to South America: the whole continent): Now, we need to be here. This is where the base is.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">ROSIE: The… whole continent?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: I don’t know. The plot’ll probably find us. It usually does.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Suddenly, a call from IDBHoD.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: See?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Picks up the giant phone.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: Ahoy-hoy.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">DEEP VOICE GUY: We’ve pinpointed the exact location, both latitude and longitude of the mercenary base (Manfred smiles). What have you been up to?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: We found Peter and his main squeeze.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">GERMAN GUY (in background): HHHHMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">DEEP VOICE GUY: How ‘bout you sent her to base, so she can be…. “cozy”.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: That sounds…. sketch.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">GERMAN GUY: You shut your whore mouth now and get to South America!! She’s ours.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">Manfred hangs up and then looks around. He sees that he’s suddenly in South America and Rosie’s gone.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED (shocked): Damn.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: Sorry, gave you some of my candy.

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">MANFRED: You’re OK with leaving your lover with 5 creepy old men?

<p style="border-style: initial; border-color: initial;">PETER: My what now?