Part 18



OFFICIAL SCRIPT

By: Brad Shoemaker and Nick DePalma

 PART 18: 

Cut to the inside of the BiTC HQ. Crazy British Guy and crew are in the barracks The Grüp was in earlier. A large sealed door lays in front of them; the entrance to the control room. Armed guards attempt to breach through, but the President.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: No, you idiots, this whole thing is wired to blow! I have a feeling these fools haven’t changed the locks on this blasted thing since the last time I was here. Let’s give it a whirl.

COUNT CRRRRRAIG: Locks? A-a?

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Yes, they have a state of the art security system deployed here. Hand scanner, voice scanner, retina scanner, rectal scanner-

COUNT CRRRRRAIG: Rectal scanner?

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Yes, that’s a useful one.

COMPUTER VOICE: Asshole identified.

The soldiers snicker about this. Two in the back brofist.

BROSEPH: Yeah he sure is an asshole, brah.

BROHAM: Totes, brah. Reminds me, man, toga party.

The doorway opens and Crazy British Guy takes the helm of this immensely powerful ship.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Let’s see if I still remember how to handle this thing…

He walks into the control room, which has hundreds of levers. He very lightly pulls one down.

COMPUTER VOICE: Nuclear meltdown imminent.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Well shit. Bird, you know what to do. (sing-song voice) There’ll be tots involved…..for me.

The Andybird caws begrudgingly and then zaps the control panel, ending the threat and starting the engines.

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: Let my good ‘ol REIGN O TERROR commence. Ah hah hahah hee hee- you’re all evil by the way.

Brainwashed soldiers laugh. One more brofist.

BROSEPH: Want to commit a class three felony and ruin billions of lives?

BROHAM: Dude, dude, dude dude, all day everyday, brah!

BROSEPH: Dude, brah, come on, bring it in bro!

BRO HUG!

The ship clumsily flies out of the casino, scrapes the ground, and zooms along the street.

BROHAM: Bro it’s like me after the frat party, bro.

BROSEPH: Holy shit dude, TOGAAAA!!

RUFFINGS: Why exactly did we hire them again?

CRAZY BRITISH GUY: They remind me of my youth… Also they make me……horny.

RUFFINGS: what.

Cut to Villaintonio, who’s fiddling with his mustache and giggling sinisterly. He’s got Huge Black Guy hostage with a bag over his head. He then hijacks a Lamborghini.

THE GUY HE STOLE THE LAMBORGHINI FROM: (Italian accent) Ey, bippity boppity, a mama tortellini.

Typical car chase fare, reckless driving, endangering all civilians, etc.

VILLAINTONIO: Mwehehe, looks like I’ll never run into that McGregor again. (wheezing laugh)

He stops at a red light. McGregor happens to be right there, pushing the crosswalk button.

VILLAINTONIO: Curses! I knew obeying the traffic laws would be my undoing!

He pulls off to the left and zooms away.

McGregor grunts and then rushes into the nearest vehicle. He barks at the driver.

MCGREGOR: FOLLOW THAT CAR!

Camera zooms out to show that he just wandered onto a tour bus. It slowly turns the opposite direction.

McGregor gives a look of confusion and then eyes the driver.

BUS DRIVER: (monotone) And if you look to your left, you’ll see….me, being attacked by some sort of crazed lunatic. Looks like he’s gonna throw me out of the window. And he succeeded.

McGregor throws the Bus Driver out of the window. He then takes control of the bus and drives it recklessly through traffic. All of the tourists (who are obviously Chinese) hang on for dear life.

CHINESE TOURIST: Where are you taking us?

MCGREGOR: We’re making a pit stop…. In hell!

CHINESE TOURIST: That not part of tour! (flips through brochure)

MCGREGOR: It is now.

McGregor makes a sharp turn and all of the tourists fall out. (The tourists in the top deck fall through the top, the ones in the bottom, fall through the open windows, and McGregor’s fine because he wore his seatbelt.)

MCGREGOR: Safety first.

He says while he is carelessly bursting through traffic. All of the tourists fall into dozens of open manholes next to each other. A sign above the manholes reads “Welcome to the Historic Manhole Outdoor Museum of Nevada. Don’t fall in.”

Thankfully, because Villaintonio is still following the red lights, McGregor is able to quickly catch up. German Guy and Thongledore surprisingly drive/run right past him.

GERMAN GUY: Learn how to drive, asshole.

McGregor and Villaintonio’s vehicles are side by side, bumping into each other. McGregor pulls out a grapple harpoon gun and fires it into the Lamborghini. It misses Villaintonio and Huge Black Guy by inches and goes through the other window.

HUGE BLACK GUY: The fuck was dat-?

VILLAINTONIO: What in the name of… OH JESUS.

McGregor barrels through the window as he grapples from his tour bus. McGregor tackles both Huge Black Guy and Villaintonio and pulls them out of the car. Both cars crash into a nearby gas station, causing a giant explosion as they grapple past. They crash into a pod of a Ferris wheel. McGregor gets stopped because he’s so goddamn huge (even huger than Huge Black Guy), but Villaintonio and Huge Black Guy lurch forward, roll a bit and come to rest in a pod in a separate Ferris wheel. The arm bars come down, trapping them. The pods begin to rise.

The pair very slowly moving up in what has to be one of the least exciting chase sequences ever. They are exchanging poor insults.

VILLAINTONIO: Ah, this isn’t going to a day at the fair for YOU, McGregor!

MCGREGOR: I’m fair-ly certain it won’t be for you either, Villaintonio.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Awwww daayyyyum!!!

VILLAINTONIO: Your head’s going to spin, like this wheel!

MCGREGOR: Yeah, well I’m going to keel……you (kill you)……Painfully.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Oooh snippity snap. Whachu say??!!!

VILLAINTONIO: That one didn’t even work! It’s not fair!

MCGREGOR: More like Ferr….is wheel…..s…..are what we’re on. Now.

VILLAINTONIO: DAGGER THROUGH MY HEART, MCGREGOR. A dagger through my heart. You’ll pay for this, my foolish nemesis. You… McGregor, you shall become, McDeader.

MCGREGOR: Even though I’ve heard that one before, it’s still pretty good.

Villaintonio is angry and pulls out a Dirty Harry-style revolver and aims it McGregor. Crowd screams, and whatnot.

McGregor leaps out of his pod and dodges Villaintonio’s shots by using the crossbeams as monkey bars. He climbs up into a higher pod for cover. While climbing in, he knocks over the child-who’s-already-in’s ice cream cone.

MCGREGOR: Oh… that’s awkward.

He suddenly has to duck for more cover.

Villaintonio grimaces as his shots miss.

VILLAINTONIO: I’ll get you one way or another.

HUGE BLACK GUY: no you won’t!

VILLAINTONIO: Shut up, you.

He then aims slightly lower to the center of McGregor’s Ferris wheel and fires. This unhinges the Ferris wheel, which begins to roll slowly down the slight hill that they’re on. Villaintonio shouts an insult to McGregor.

VILLAINTONIO: You’re on a ROLL today, McGregor.

MCGREGOR: No… WHEEL (we’ll) be seeing you…. in hell. And by that, I mean sniper rifle.

Pulls out a .50 cal out of nowhere.

HUGE BLACK GUY: Here he go!! You done, foo’!!

McGregor one-armed fires the massive rifle in slow motion as they’re spinning. His arm dislocates in slow motion as he fires on Villaintonio. The shot misses, but it manages to dislodge Villaintonio’s Ferris wheel. McGregor rips his arm back into place, to the horror of the kid. That’s right, Ferris wheel chase. What are you gonna do about it?

The Ferris wheels slowly roll forward as they reach a slight bump. As they top the peak, both the Ferris wheels come to rest. McGregor and Villaintonio have a short stare down. Huge Black Guy still can’t see because of his hood.

HUGE BLACK GUY: What?

A slight breeze pushes them over the edge, and they careen down quickly. Villaintonio hoists himself on top of his wheel. He also helps pull Huge Black Guy up.

VILLAINTONIO: Run, you fool!

HUGE BLACK GUY: Why are we running?

VILLAINTONIO: You don’t want to know.

McGregor continues climbing the Ferris wheel as it rolls, while the other two are lumberjack-style running across the top as they head toward the city. As the wheels roll, the pods come off as they hit the ground. The passengers inside look out from their seats from their safety on the ground as the two wheels get faster and faster.

PASSENGER: Huh, that doesn’t happen every day. Come, Billy. Come, Sally. Let’s go and gamble away all of your college savings.

CHILDREN: Yay! Bet on black, daddy.